Week 18: Where Feet May Fail.

Poppyseed 18 weeks

The tears came later. Hours later. In the quiet of our bedroom and reflecting and holding each other in awe, and surprise, and surreal good good good.

We saw hands and legs, each tiny rib and each disc on a spine…it was mind-blowing and beautiful and magical.

We were used to seeing a blob, a mass of random forms that will eventually be, as our kind and so very enthusiastic doctor would always patiently and joyfully point out to us. Her warm smile lighting up the room as she delighted in sharing her craft and her passion with the wonder-eyed newbies.

She asked before she even started…you’re probably pretty excited to find out if we can find out baby’s gender today?

She pushed back our appointment an extra two weeks hoping to catch this special moment. She was confident we would do fine in Thailand so she chose this week for a scan…that way we wouldn’t have to wait another two more weeks to find out. A delicate balance of wanting the best for your littlest patient yet protecting and advocating and celebrating mom and dad.

I am and will always be tremendously grateful that not only is she wise but that she practices with heart.

I tell her yes, but I am most excited of all to see a heartbeat. To find out if baby is okay. To find out if my cranky hostile uterus is still helping baby grow despite it’s temper tantrums. I want to know if our little tiny baby is still measuring according to size, because we prayed and prayed and prayed for this.

We prayed in petition and faith and so much hope that baby would grow, and baby would thrive, and baby would hit milestones.

It wasn’t always a given.

And we prayed most of all that God would show mercy. That He would show favor. That He would show us what the faith of a mustard seed could plant.

More than revealing if we have a boy or a girl, I want her to tell me that baby is safe and sound. That baby’s first trimester tests and panels came back okay. That she is cautiously optimistic and confident that we will have a healthy bouncy baby to take home.

But don’t get me wrong, I feel passionately about baby’s gender too. It’s just secondary to what my husband can already clearly articulate and believes in. He doesn’t care if it’s his little princess to protect and love and spoil silly, or if it’s his little man to play ball and teach him things I can’t even begin to understand…a little Joseph of his own. He just cares most of all that baby is healthy, ten fingers, ten toes….the rest is just bonus.

So while we are in awe and soaking in what she preliminary thinks is the gender of the baby (we will know more and share in two weeks at baby’s full body scan!!), we are mostly completely floored and mind blown with how big our little poppyseed has gotten.

He/she was dancing on the ultrasound. Bouncing, kicking, moving moving moving, and being coy.

He/she was thriving.

As Dr Tang switched her fancy scanner from 2d to 3d to 4d, hoping to just catch a glimpse of the baby for a picture to take home.

Choose hope, someone told me a long time ago.

Choose hope, not fear, not statistics, not what ifs and numbers, choose hope.

Choose to believe that God will carry you through this season, however and wherever this season may lead you. Choose hope, that God is planting and growing something beautiful in your garden.

That He is wise, that He is kind, that He has the whole wide world, and poppy seed and your hearts in His hands and He has a plan.

In His time. It all works out in His time, and His perfect timing is the best of all.

As sweet Koren and I exchanged mama hopes and dreams, mama battle wounds and secrets, His perfect timing does not escape me…

Because how blessed and beautiful and encouraging to be in this season, to be pregnant at the same time with your soul sister; someone you respect tremendously and is always honest with you, someone who is kind and shares the same humor.

His perfect timing wrapped snugly with the comfort of knowing that even oceans apart, we can take care of each other.

It is a privilege and an honor to share a sacred intimate moment with the man that everyday I choose I do.

The man that loves me loves me loves me with every fiber of his heart and helps me make the sun shine. The man that joyfully indulges my chicken wing cravings and laughs whole heartedly with me at my forgetful silly confused mama brain.

The man that strokes my belly gently and whispers, “Hi baby, we love you,”. The man who shares his hopes and dreams, the father of our children who gets choked up at the thought and awe of so much more.

Who I hold so tight and wipe away tears together in this grateful heart exploding overwhelmed mess of thank you God.

“Your grace abounds in deepest waters,
Your sovereign hand will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You’ve never failed, and You won’t start now”

We didn’t always understand this ocean. There were times where I didn’t even know that I wanted to wade, much less swim in these waves.

But we will submit and follow, we will choose hope and faith, we will believe in trust without borders and walking on water.

Because a little wriggly, dancing, thriving, tiny so big miracle teaches and needs us to.

Oh my little poppy seed (sweet potato), how your mama and daddy and a so big God loves you.

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