Week 12.5: Loved.

Hi little upside down one! You are so incredibly loved.

Hi little upside down one!

Earlier this week, I had a very woe-is-me, raw, honest, heart all torn and sad update. I was also for some reason, so very nervous about our 12 week scan/visit because so so much rides on this one very little but very significant visit.

A little milestone that we survived our first trimester (though I did find out today that technically, it’s only at 14 weeks since you don’t really count the first 2 weeks…WHAT?!!?), that our little poppy seed hung on and grew and it was finally, significantly, safer to share with our world.

I was lonely, and scared, and overwhelmed. Tired, and nauseous, and probably most of all, hormonal.

Pregnancy was not what I expected it to be and for the control freak that had no control at all, this absolutely terrified me.

I trusted God, and I know He has a plan so big and courageous and beautiful and so very worthy but I know there has been so many times in my life where God has tested and I have begged and pleaded and fallen to my knees crying, please God, no more.

I know our God is a Father of love and compassion and kindness but I also know that he is big on beauty from ashes and wisdom beyond our imagination and plans.

Somewhere between week 9 and 12, as the hormones ramped up, as the nausea kicked into full gear, as the cramps intensified, as my body got squishier and more tired and more out of my control, I felt so alone and scared and overwhelmed.

And I didn’t know how to find the words I needed to process so I kept it all in as it exploded in little shards and hormonal bursts of sobs and sadness.

My silver lining is that my marriage is in this beautiful season of so much goodness and strength and courage and love.

J and I have built a safe place, a good place, a special place to find rest and dark humor, secret gardens and silly jokes, honest conversation and real.

I have leaned on him whether it is crying scared tears through a painful cramp or just laughing with him in the dark and he is the sunshine on my rainy day.

Having to slow down also meant that we’ve had lots of time to process this change, dream big dreams on the type of parents we would like to be, how we think we would like to shape our future, what our expectations are of each other and ourselves.

I have cherished these conversations and I have loved watching my husband fill the shoes of a father.

And today, we got the best news in the world at our doctor’s visit.

For the first time, our little poppy seed measured ACCORDING TO SIZE!!

J and I were so excited we did a fun little happy dance in the parking lot.

But more special than anything else in the world, tonight we finally got to reveal our little secret publicly and very loudly and with a lot of help.

I was so nervous right before we hit post and I cried and cried and cried as the messages started rolling in.

Our kampung stood up and showed up and it floored us to our knees.

We are overwhelmed and humbled and so in awe with how incredibly loved this little one already is…how very welcomed and cherished and precious he/she is to so many.

Friends, this mama’s broken scared terrified heart so very needed that.

I’m not sure why I worried so much about it, if this season of our lives clashed too much with someone else’s hopes and dreams and as each precious cheerleader came out to say something, my heart, oh my heart, I don’t even have the words.

This little poppy seed already has a world, literally, a world, that loves it. No matter what and no matter how and no matter who.

And among all my achievements in life, I have never been prouder of this little village J and I have built with our friends and family because it is how I know that come what may, everything will be okay.

It’s going to be okay, kid, we’re going to be okay.

You, me, papa Kwacz, and the rest of the world.

“And suddenly you know…It’s time to start something new and trust the magic of beginnings.”
~Meister Eckhart


Thank you for reading and for your love and support! If you’d like to continue following our little poppy seed and his/her mesmerized mama and daddy, please  subscribe to the blog (box in the right column) or like our facebook page for the latest bump-dates!

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