I honest to God thought I would love every minute of being pregnant. I love children and I waited my whole life and my whole marriage to find a place where my heart and my brain would finally align and get to a place where I would want to start trying so genuinely not liking being pregnant at all really threw me for a loop.
Don’t get me wrong, I love this child and I prayed for this child. It is a miracle and it still blows my mind that J and I made a little one and I cannot wait to meet him/her but oh my goodness, has the last three weeks been so very uncomfortable and depressing and scary.
It’s a culmination of things, an unexpected sabbatical from work, a sudden wrench in the best laid out plans and expectations, the cramping, the slowing down, the not feeling good, the intense nausea, the sudden change in lifestyle and interests, the general blah.
It is something I’ve been struggling with and to tell you the truth, it’s been very lonely.
J and I chose not to share with the world yet in case our little poppy seed didn’t make it because we didn’t want the harsh spotlight and intense scrutiny. Yet choosing not to share with the world also meant that I couldn’t talk about a lot of things with a lot of people. I’m also a protector, which means that a lot of times, I want to protect the people I love so the ones that knew were my support system but it also meant that I was also fiercely protective of them and didn’t want to concern them about my silliness.
But what I am most proud of is the man I get to do life with.
He is my quiet comfort when I am scared.
And he is the unsung hero in all of this.
He fills my water bottle up at night and sets an alarm for prenatal vitamins.
He strokes my hair and tells me I’m beautiful when I feel absolutely yucky.
He saves me the crusts on his pizza even though it’s his favorite part.
I love this man that is going to be the father of our children and I have never been more in love or more in awe with the man I am so proud to call my husband.
Seeing him and the way he cares and protects and fights and advocates for me and our child has been one of my favorite parts because the depth of the man I married surprises me everyday.
Yesterday, it was patiently and joyfully looking for green starfruit because OH MY GOD SOUR GREEN STARFRUIT CRACK.
Last week, it was adorably “protecting” me on Muslim St in Xi’an, worried that people would accidentally shove me and I would fall and worried I would sneak off and try a bite of illegal street food so he promised me the world in trade off.
Today, it was just smiling so big in McDonald’s as I devoured a cheeseburger and part of a spicy chicken sandwich and salty salty delicious fries because I was so so happy and he was so so amused.
And even as I hurled it all up later, he didn’t judge.
Instead, he quietly learned how to cut a lime for my face and pick out all the seeds.
A new “organic” beauty ritual I’ve been trying in order to combat hormonal pizza face.
I’ve tried so many “pregnancy-safe” skin care crap in the last couple of weeks and nothing has worked so far but I’m determined to find something that does.
And I love that my husband doesn’t see pizza face when he sees me.
He just sees me.
And my heart swells and I think, yes, I would do all of this all over again.
The nausea, the cramps, the soft and squishy and pants that are either uncomfortable on my belly or give me a wedgie because I’m trying to hike them up above the belly.
I would take the monotonous bored out of my mind bed rest and the fears and the scary and the lonely.
I would do it all over again, not just to meet this little one I cannot wait to meet, but also because this man is so proud and so happy and so excited and I love him.
This is a part of our happily ever after and our dreams come true and it’s not at all what I imagined it would look like but I wouldn’t change it for the world.
Because I still know what a privilege and a blessing and miracle it is to have this little one growing in me and I never want to take that for granted.
“You are my minute of quiet in a loud shouting world.”
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