We got some good news and some bad news, and I feel the axis of my world spin just a little off kilter as I learn to surrender.
Our little poppy seed is still hanging in there and measuring just a little under but still on track. The worrisome thing is that I’ve had a lot of cramping in the last couple of days, prolonged bouts of steady pain that occasionally increases and it worries our doctor because it signals that the uterus is contracting and trying to expel.
She doesn’t like that it occasionally keeps me up or that I don’t really get a break so she’s started me on some Dydrosgesterone hoping that it will calm my uterus down.
CALM YOUH TITS, UTERUS!!!
Growing a baby, protecting this life is so so big and so so overwhelming and I know that the only way I will survive this is to lean on God. To take a deep deep breath through it all and to find comfort in our Maker, submitting and trusting that His will and His purpose and plan is so far greater than we can even imagine.
But holy shit.
I whispered to J as a wave of half desperation half sad half everything hit me, that “I think…I know…I’m afraid, that I’ve fallen in love with our little “us” already.”
And as he held me, stroking my hair and soothing my fears, I appreciated that he didn’t try to tell me that everything would be okay, or that the baby would be okay, but just heard my fears and wants and desires and so so much, reminding me again and again that we serve a loving God.
I keep saying so so much, because it feels so so much.
And I appreciate my kind and wise and loving ever patient husband who whispers back,
“He has it all in His hands, you, us, even our little poppy seed slash peppercorn slash sweet pea slash blueberry, He’s got it, Racheal”.
I’m on a very vanilla version of bed rest which means lots of very light activity and a whole lot of being still.
I find myself wanting to be independent and to do everything on my own. It’s hard to swallow the frustration of feeling so powerless as we shift and readjust this delicate balance of learning and a new normal.
I am blessed with the world’s most gentle and loving husband, who runs up and down and here and there and carries and lifts and protects and in my guilt, I remember that we are a team. He is pushing where I can’t and standing up where I need him and these precious moments matter to our little one hanging in there and these precious moments teach me the depth of the man I married.
I have never been more in love, this man who moves mountains and rubs my belly and whispers hope and faith in prayer and petition.
And when I am anxious, or when the world is too loud with what ifs and all the broken, I pull up a little “note” I keep in my iCloud of what I’ve started calling my “comfort verses”.
Instead of googling all the seven hundred and fifty two thousand ways I could lose this baby and all the things that can go wrong with the cramping, I’ve started googling for verses instead.
It’s my little control in the uncontrollable.
Verses that speak to my heart and are the calm in the chaos, anchoring us in the storm.
I have no idea what tomorrow holds for us, if this pregnancy is viable or if tomorrow holds one of the hardest journeys we’ll ever walk together, but this I know.
I know that our God is an awesome and loving God.
I know that our God will not forsake us nor leave us.
I know that our God has knit our little poppy seed in my womb, that He has a plan and a purpose for this season of our lives and we will trust and praise him through it all.
But the beauty is Psalm 46:10 that comforts me again and again and reminds me to embrace the quiet
“Be still and know that I am God”
Still, and trusting, and still so very mesmerized.
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