Terrified, Trusting & Mesmerized.

J waiting

“For this child I have prayed,”
~1 Samuel 1:27

For a long time, I didn’t even know if I would ever be ready.

It’s something I prayed and prayed and prayed about, in the dark and in the waiting.

In the wanting and the afraid, in the healing and the loving.

For a long time, I stood unmoved, unable to go one direction or another, unable to trust my gut that was both confused and conflicted but scared scared scared most of all.

I thought about it and thought about it and thought about it, weighing and preparing as my heart swirled around and time ticked down and the whisper became louder and louder.

Before finally realizing that to the ends of the earth and off the deep end, this was about as faith-out-loud ready I was going to be.

That boy’s smile as I told him could have lit up a thousand rooms.

I researched and read and studied and downloaded all sorts of fancy concieving apps, prepared for this process to take at least six months.

And in between, we flew “home“, celebrating our happy ever after with friends and family and friends that feel like family.

Yet, miles and miles away, on our first month of trying, I snuck an “early” test and peed on a stick, holding my breath and counting down seconds, nervous and excited and anxious and completely crushed as the screen lit up “Not Pregnant.”

I wasn’t prepared at all for how disappointed and sad I would feel.

I honestly thought I was (prepared) and I thought I could handle the disappointment, but nothing prepared me for the heartache.

But in only a way God can, I realized that what that moment taught me in the most intimate and real and honest way, was that I was ready.

I was heart invested and I knew knew that this was something I really wanted,

that I didn’t get caught up in the moment or swayed by wanting to make J happy or the pressure of turning thirty.

I looked down and my gut instinct was to pray for a positive and in spite of the negative, that moment of clarity was so very sacred.

I went back quietly into the room and told J.

I asked again and again if he was disappointed, if he was scared, if he was upset.

What I was really trying to get at was did I fail him?

And my so very kind and sweet and wise husband held us as he brushed the hair out of my face and soothed all the fears that pounded and questioned and seduced.

“His will, His purpose, His time,” J whispered.

And so we learned to thank God for our here and surrendered this season of our lives to Him.

So trust me when I say that I was completely unprepared for what happened next.

I was convinced that we weren’t pregnant so I didn’t even think twice about brushing aside all the little tell-tale signs as just “perks” from flying and travelling and living out of suitcases for the last month.

I was hungry and starving and stabby ravenous all the time, peeing like a racehorse, and my boobs seemed to have exploded overnight and were so very sore.

I thought holy moly body, way to throw an epic PMS tantrum!

I was late, but I decided that my period had jet lag too. 😛

So up at 4am, on the second day of Hari Raya (Eid), starving and needing to pee again, convinced that my Aunt Flo was going to show up right in the middle of my fifth helping of rendang and lemang

(because isn’t that how it always happens?),

I passed my half unpacked suitcase with the leftover pregnancy test from a double pack and thought what the hell, must as well get this over with.

There was a 40% chance that I had taken the first test too early and had gotten a false negative but I’ve never been the girl that gets the grand prize at a lucky draw so I thought…meh.

If I was being honest, my real reason other than THE! NEED! TO! KNOW! was mostly because I wanted to enjoy our day ahead so full of friends and family that we hadn’t seen a while, enjoying a large frozen magarita and maybe sneaking in an illegal smoke with a big ass cup of coffee while laugh laugh laughing in the becoming and not yet.

The first time I took the test, my heart pounded and pounded as the seconds ticked like time bombs in anticipation.

This time, I didn’t even bother looking at it and willing it to go faster.

I took my time piddling around until realizing my 3 minute mark was up and going to check it.

Pregnant!

My world rotated off it’s axis and stopped turning as the screen lit up “Pregnant” 1-2 weeks.

I was so shocked I just sat down and stared, not knowing what to do.

Too surprised to even scream or laugh or cry or have any normal reaction whatsoever other than pure shock.

I remember thinking how did this happen?!, is this happening?!? what is happening?!!? holy shit holy shit HOLY SHIT!!!!!

The room was still dark as I tripped back into bed and laid there as I tried to figure out if J was awake.

And as I heard him tossing and turning and wide awake, I turned on the lights and stumbled over my words while waving a pee stick in his face at 4am in a sort of disbelief shocked confused manner as he held our fort and was the calm in the storm.

He smiled so big it could have probably lit up a thousand gazillion rooms.

(I love that boy.)

And for the next few hours, as the sun rose, we soaked in this moment of maybe,

trying not to get too excited as I googled and researched every false negative and false positive statistic and possibility in the history of the world.

I learned about chemical pregnancies and false alerts and maybe could bes but nots.

I sent out so many cookies and a plethora of browsing data Facebook Ads knew I was pregnant before I even knew.

The more I read, the more it scared me.

The percentages.

The miscarriages.

All the wrong wrong wrong.

The what ifs swirled and screamed and scared the crap out of us as we tried to keep a lid on the so very new and so very real and so very could bes.

We ran out to the closest pharmacy and took two more tests from different brands.

One was negative and the other was inconclusive.

@#$%^&?!?!? WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?!!

This is all quite hilarious weeks later, but if you could have seen us, eyes so big, unsure, surprised, in awe, confused, just staring at each other with so big question marks asking..now what?

Google told us the best way to know was to take a blood test so of course, we got in the car and went straight to the nearest clinic.

Which over a holiday weekend meant a waiting room full of people decked out in their Hari Raya best between snotty nosed kids, sprained ankles, and food poisoning over questionable celebration food.

The doctor smiled as we told her our predicament and she ordered both a urine and beta HCG test.

Either way, we would know, and it would take two hours for the results.

So in between, we went to Datin Lily’s open house and celebrated with friends as we loved on little ones, stuffing ourselves silly with a feast.

(good food + starving ravenous crazy lady = magic)

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It was so perfectly the precious distraction we needed.

To be held by love and laughter and friendship in the waiting.

We kept it a secret, but to be buoyed by friends that make you laugh and chill and tell stories meant the world.

We were so desperate to know, yet at the two hour mark, J and I decided to stay instead of run back.

The results would stay the same either way, but this time, this saying yes to one more cup of coffee (I had juice, don’t worry), one more hug, one more silly joke, would mean so much more.

So we stayed.

And laughed.

And ate.

And shared sips of fancy frozen drinks passed around.

It was just the right amount of high and happy we needed as we took deep breaths going back into the hospital.

I love that we paused right before we got out of the car praying for peace and thanksgiving and submission.

Not our will but Yours be done we reminded ourselves again and again.

We would follow, we would submit, whatever it came out to be we would praise His plan and His purpose.

And with a look over pieces of paper typed out with our future, she smiled and congratulated us.

The bloodwork came back and we were just about four weeks.

Our little American surprise.

J and I looked at each other, our hearts in awe as our minds went a million miles an hour as we laughed and laughed and laughed.

It is still early and like the doctor says, we are “cautiously optimistic”.

And what that really means in the end is that we are terrified, trusting, and completely head over heels mesmerized.

 For by Him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things were created by Him and for Him.

He is before all things and in Him all things hold together.”
~Colossians 1:16-17

♥♥♥

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5 thoughts on “Terrified, Trusting & Mesmerized.

  1. Congratulations Rachel! It is so incredibly difficult not to be afraid at first. The reality is that sometimes things do happen, and the most difficult and terrifying part of being pregnant/birthing a baby/raising a child is that you are no longer in control. The best advice I have is to cherish what you have when you have it. This is a precious, precious time and you should enjoy it. Acknowledge your fears, and then let them go. I wish you all the best!

    • Thank you for taking the time to read and write some wisdom in. I really appreciate it and I have to agree with you, acknowledge then let go though sometimes, my heart and my brain have a slight hissy fit with each other. 🙂

      Good luck on the marathon!! Missing you on FB though I understand.

  2. Pingback: Week 5: Dancing in Worship | wanderkate

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