I didn’t use to love the quiet, in fact, I used to hate the alone. When you’ve spend a gazillion lonely nights waiting, you come to hate the dark and the deafening silence of empty.
I would sit with Cody by my side on the couch and read a book, or cook up a storm to store in the freezer, or bring home work just to be busy.
It was hard to be still with the thoughts and the gut wrenching knowing that this was not the life I imagined.
A house of cards, I was building a house of cards and mirrors with quicksand beneath me and the weight of the world couldn’t even compare to the weight of guilt and mistakes and so much wrong in my four walls.
The reason why I am a planner is because a lot of the time, there was so much beyond my control that I just thought if I could get this one thing right, if I checked and double-checked, if I planned and planned and planned then nothing else would go wrong.
Well, it all went to hell in a hand basket in a moment I least expected, which goes to show that sometimes the best laid plans are never in your control.
But it is also with a lot of time to heal and forgive and walk away that I can look back and realize that the moment that completely shattered every notion of what I knew and what I thought was to come, was also the moment that set me free.
If I didn’t make all these stupid mistakes and if all this wrong wrong wrong tragic awful things hadn’t happened, I don’t know that I would be who I am or where I am and I don’t think I would fight for my marriage as fiercely or love as deeply as I do.
But more sacred than that, today I also realized that I wouldn’t find peace in the quiet and I certainly wouldn’t appreciate the comfort of rest.
There are no more monsters lurking in the shadows and I don’t have to keep a tight lid on the thoughts that wander and wonder what if because they take me someplace so very different now.
These days, I lay in the quiet and imagine a life so full of good and great and these days, I don’t find my happy because I need to cling to it to stay afloat.
These days, I find my happy because it is the cherry on top and I want so desperately to remember each and every memory and cement it deep into my archives because I am so very grateful.
I’ve been reading this book called ‘When God Makes Lemonade’.
It’s a collection of short little stories that inspire and encourage and I’ve been meaning to crack it open for a while.
I’m sure I’ve shared this before, but I do 90% of my reading in the tub. It is me time that is sacred and love and so very good for my soul but unfortunately, we’ve been under a water rationing exercise the last couple of months.
It’s also been a little more than crazy insane chaos busy busy busy with days that are so very full but with a never ending to-do list.
Well, being down with the plague came with an unexpected gift of needing to take a break and just rest.
So today, I curled up in bed and read and read and read and it nourished both my soul and my faith.
I must have been feeling really good because I even made myself a healthy little immune-boosting germ-kicking brunch!
I had some roast chicken leftover so I cut up some grapes and celery and tossed it with some greek yogurt and black pepper.
I briefly considered boiling an egg because nothing makes me happier than a little egg but that seemed like a lot of work and I was actually hungry for the first time in days!
And just to outdo myself, I used up the rest of the greek yogurt and threw it into a somewhat green smoothie.
Smoothies in my household basically work a bit like this –
Find whatever vegetable/fruit in the fridge and throw it into the blender with some frozen berries.
I like using frozen over fresh berries for smoothies because they are so much cheaper, keep longer, and are sometimes even better than the ones in the produce aisle!
I use it in place of the “ice” which makes it a triple quadruple win right? 🙂
This afternoon, my bounty procured my grandma and I a package of spinach, carrots/celery/apple (I juiced this because who wants celery string nastiness in their drink?), frozen raspberries/blackberries/blueberries, an orange and yogurt.
I also found some figs but I saved that to eat whole with my chicken salad and a little piece of toast.
(There were also some Cheetos puffs snuck in there but shhh.)
I was so excited with my brunch that for linner (?) dunch (?), that 3:30pm hour (?) I was inspired to make another somewhat “healthy” meal.
I’m a sucker for grilled cheese sandwiches and we had a freshly baked loaf of bread just taunting me to slap on some buttaaahhhhh and American cheese.
To make up for the totally not immune-boosting but so very yummy warm goodness, I made a salad of kale, kiwis, tomatoes, mushrooms, goji berries, fresh blueberries and sliced up a Cara Cara orange for dessert! 🙂
I can’t even begin to tell you how happy these oranges make me. If you’ve never tried one, it’s like a sweet orange and not very tart grapefruit had a baby and will blow your mind.
In the hush and savoring, I swam in the quiet and embraced all these precious little moments of happy and took some pictures to share with J.
When he came home, he lit up the room with a smile so big as he came over to snuggle with me.
I missed my partner in crime and as we shared our adventures of the day, I remember that God makes lemonade and I freaking love lemonade.
“For a seed to achieve its greatest expression, it must come completely undone. The shell cracks, its insides come out and everything changes. To someone who doesn’t understand growth, it would look like complete destruction.”
Better yet, join us and share your happy! 🙂 🙂 🙂