Putting together a little recap post for 2013 and I weeped a little as I wrote this line.
“I lost almost 50lbs and 4 dress sizes and learned that the number on a weighing scale will never define my worth. That that was not how my beauty was defined all along.”
J took this picture after we biked around the incredible grounds in Versailles. We had so much fun and pedalled so hard that I had mud splashes on my back and I couldn’t have been prouder. A year ago, I wouldn’t have made it, much less tried.
Getting healthy was never about wanting to fit into a certain size or getting to buy pretty new dresses.
…though I will never forget that precious moment in Miss Selfridge, crying in the dressing room because for the first time in a long long time, I finally fit into something and even needed a smaller size.
It had always been one of my favorite stores, but when I was “big”, I would walk past their window displays seeing something I loved but knowing that the biggest size they carry would not fit me. I would always look from the outside but not go in because I knew it would break both my self-esteem and my heart.
Getting healthy finally let me in on the other side of the glass.
It didn’t just mean recovered dreams but it also meant weaving new ones too. Ones that I didn’t even know existed because I was too busy fighting battles with myself.
I had a lot of excuses stored up. I have bad knees, my old lady back hurts, I am too tired, it is impossible to eat healthy, I don’t know how to count calories for Chinese food, but the core of it was the underlying fear that I was telling myself I wasn’t enough.
I had fought too damn hard to like me, and I thought that to want to change my body would mean that I wasn’t happy with me when I so desperately wanted and needed to be. I wanted to walk what I preached.
But the best lesson I learned was that it was never about not accepting who I was, it was about taking care of something I loved.
Losing weight and getting healthy opened up a whole new world to me. It meant riding bikes on the grounds at the Palace of Versailles. Are you even kidding me?
It meant climbing up to the very top of Chamonix Mont Blanc and looking over the Swiss Alps, it meant ocean kayaking in Krabi, it meant hiking in the gardens of Marqueyssac, climbing a tree house and riding the slides in the kid’s park just for fun.
And in old castles and châteaus soaking in the stories behind these walls and being able to climb the so many stairs to explore as my husband and I played hide-and-seek. It meant sitting with my fairy godmother in her sunroom in Florida, in the culmination of all those times we had sat in these same chairs and I wondered where my life was going. Then sharing all my right-nows with just so so much of how-did-this-happen?
And while watching the sun set from one side of the boardwalk in Nice to the other, we basked in the glory of God’s incredible artistry. That humbling moment where I realized that the very God that made this, made me too. As flawed and broken and not enough I felt, He knit me together and He will not be dismayed.
Big changes have always scared the hell out of me. It is something I think I am incapable of doing because I crave routine, and comfort zones, and status quo. But to take a step back and to see the big picture unfold? That’s pretty damn mind-blowing.
Whether it was making that decision to pack everything up and find my roots, or shedding a wardrobe of pounds and insecurities, or even just refusing to accept that a divorce meant that I was not worthy of a fairytale ending…I realized that doing all of these “big” changes were really just little things weaved together.
I was never that courageous or passionately optimistic, I only had blinders on and focused on the baby steps, the little ah-hahs, the tentative mini dips to test the water and that I wasn’t capable of a whole lot, but I could do this one tiny little thing. I kept my head down, carefully putting just one step in front of the other, and grace led me here when I finally looked up.
Getting healthy means I keep my end of the deal of fighting to grow old with the boy that makes my heart explode with his smile that is bigger than his face can contain.
Getting healthy has taught me how to love and be loved by my favorite people. My kampung who has accepted me at my darkest or my heaviest.
I never did this for my Captain America’s approval, but the proud way he looks at me regardless of the number on my scale, makes me feel like I can do anything.
Whatever your new year’s resolution is, whatever it is that you want to do but aren’t sure if you can, you have two people, a little kampung, and a God with big plans for your story in your corner too.
I remember pinning this quote a while back and it says “a year from now, you will wish you had started today” and a year later, I am glad I did. No matter how small you first step is, and no matter how many you take forward and sometimes back in between, it’s worth it.
You’re worth it.
“Great people do things before they’re ready. They do things before they know they can do it. Doing what you’re afraid of, getting out of your comfort zone, taking risks like that- that is what life is. You might be really good. You might find out something about yourself that’s really special and if you’re not good, who cares? You tried something. Now you know something about yourself.”
~ Amy Poehler
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